Finding Freedom in the Lord

Hey all! I know it’s been a quick minute since the last post. A lot has been going on the last few months of my life medically. For those who do not know, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune illness in 2016 called Crohn’s Disease. At another time, I’d love to share more about that story in more detail, but in the meantime I’ll offer a short snippet of what’s been going on and how God is showing up for me during this time. Hopefully this can offer some encouragement and relating for those who might have gone through or are still going through something similar!

A couple weeks after the new year began, I entered into a flare up of my Crohn’s Disease. I hadn’t felt this way since I was first diagnosed 7 years ago. The pain was great despite me having recently started some medication that was supposed to help. My healthcare team and I discovered that I had not been receiving the same dose as I had been getting in the past when I lived in Michigan (I moved to Virginia last summer and had to switch to a new doctor and insurance, all the fun adult things). We were able to get the switch to happen, but my next treatment would not happen for another month and a half. I’ve been feeling a little better, but still experiencing some symptoms that have brought some concern to my doctor. Over the next month or two I’ll be getting a couple of tests done to see what’s going on. This has caused a lot of nervousness and fear within me as I worry about what might be to come. To add on to things, COVID-19 finally caught up to me and I tested positive for the first time since learning about the sickness when the pandemic first hit. I had never been sick with it. This hit me at the same time I was in my Crohn’s flare, so I was definitely not feeling well. I also recently discovered that some of the back shoulder and neck pain I’d been experiencing was due to an incident of whiplash that went untreated causing my neck to straighten itself out when it’s instead supposed to have a natural curve to it. I was told I’d have to go to see a chiropractor 3 times a week for 8 weeks to have an adjustment done in order to get it back to the way it should be so that I can start feeling better.

All this to say, I’ve been battling a lot in this area of my life. A lot of my time with God recently has been conversations of struggle and doubt. I’ve entered a new season of adulthood in the past year, and I’m still trying to find my footing. Not feeling healthy has affected my life in a lot of ways. I deal daily with feeling envious of “the normal people” who are free to do whatever. They don’t have to gauge how well they might end up feeling later to determine whether or not to say yes or no to making some kind of commitment as simple as hanging out with a friend. They don’t have to spend time recovering from the drained energy and fatigue from feeling sick on a somewhat consistently inconsistent basis (you never know when a flare is going to hit you). Not only the physical side of this, but the emotional side as well. I’ve dealt with feelings of fear, feelings of being burdensome to friends and family that I have now and in the future, uncertainty, anger, etc.

My health is something that I feel I talk about often, especially with God. It’s a daily wrestle as I try to understand, disease or explain it to others, accept that this is part of my life, and figure out how to live with it. When praying I often ask, “God, how am I supposed to live with this and still do the things you call me to do?” I often feel very limited in what I’m able to do. While I go through these seasons of wrestling and dealing with all the things, God has taught me a few things and reminded me of those things each time.

• I don’t have to push away or push down the negative feelings. Instead, process it and surrender it with Him.

Feeling negative feelings (sadness, fear, anger, frustration, doubt, etc) has been something I have really had to adapt to in my journey. My whole life I’ve been told by the people around me that I always seem so happy, so joyful, they would see me smiling practically all the time. Expressing or revealing the negative emotions revealed to others that there is something wrong going on with me. I didn’t want others to deal with my issues that brought on those emotions. They are my problems to deal with and walk through so why should I express that to someone else? I didn’t want them to feel my feeling and put that on them. I didn’t want them to feel that they needed to help. I felt that if I expressed anything other than the joyful happy person I was, that I would feel too needy or feel like a burden to others. Even writing this now I realize how crazy that reasoning sounds because I felt the opposite when it came to others. I would encourage and want the people in my life to be able to share with me all that they were going through, the good and the bad. I love to help people by offering them a safe space to process their emotions and ask questions that helped them get to the other side of what they were walking through. It is hypocritical that I wanted others to feel the freedom to do those things when I didn’t feel that same freedom myself. I not only did that in my relationship with others, but with God also. I didn’t want to bring any of my negative emotions to my prayers with him. I brought the mask of “I’m fine. I’m joyful. I’m happy.”

Isaiah 43:1 says, “But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” God has given us freedom in Jesus. We are His children that He cares for so much. He created us and brought the gift of freedom. These ‘negative’ feeling of fear, anger, frustration, worry, doubt, etc, they do not come from God. 2 Timothy 4:7 says “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” Because we have freedom in Christ, we can bring these things to God and we don’t have to deal with them alone. And we can bring them to those who will offer Godly council. The things like fear and anxiousness that we experience are not meant to be processed alone, whether that be with God or with your community of fellow believers. The enemy seek to destroy, but God gives us life (John 10:10). I can experience that freedom by processing and surrendering these things to God. That gift is for everyone, including you and me. Live in that freedom.

• It’s okay to feel those feelings. You don’t have to be ashamed or think you are any less than what you are: a child of God whom He loves very much.

Like I mentioned in the previous point, I felt ashamed that I couldn’t be the person that others viewed me as. I so badly wanted to be able to keep smiling and be the happily joyful person I was. I felt that I could only be that person if I kept all the good things on the outside and the other things on the inside. I wanted my relationship with God to be that way too. “God look how joyous I am! Look how I’m living!” Yet I wasn’t being transparent with the Lord. Hiding things from Him is not what He wants from us. Hebrews 4:13 says, “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.” There is nothing about us that we can hide from God. We can try all we want, but He sees every part of us, our heart, our thoughts, our actions, everything. Psalm 139 is one of my favorite passages of Scripture to read when I feel ashamed because I’m reminded of the fact that I am God’s creation, His daughter. I’m reminded who I am in Him, apart from Him I am nothing, but with Him I know who I am. I don’t need to feel ashamed of myself because I have freedom in Christ and in my identity with Him. And I don’t need to feel afraid of God being ashamed of me. When I have that fear, I remind myself of the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). The father was not ashamed of his son. He was joyful for his son had chosen to return to him! Oh how God so desperately desires that we come running to his strong embrace. You don’t have to fear God being ashamed of you or being ashamed of yourself, instead bring your whole self to the Lord.

• God can use you no matter what. He is God. He has the power and authority.

One of my favorite things I’ve heard said about our limitations was by Christine Caine in her podcast episode “Choosing Intentionality When You’re Busy”. She said, “God isn’t going to use me despite those things; He’s going to use me because of those things.” She also said, “We often want to limit our supernatural purpose because of our natural abilities.” Wow. I have felt so disabled by my natural abilities to do what God has called me to. But in reality, God has given me everything I need and He will continue to do so. He’s given me a story to share. He’s given me gifts and abilities to use. It might not look how I expected, but that doesn’t matter.

If you’ve ever watched “The Chosen”, you might recall the scene where Jesus has a conversation with one of the twelve disciples, Little James. He brings forth his uncertainty to Jesus regarding his ability to do what he just asked his disciples to do, to go out two by two ministering in the name of the Lord. Little James doubts his ability to do this as Jesus has not yet healed him of his limp that slows him. How is he to heal others in the name of Jesus when he himself is not healed? Jesus listens to Little James pour out what lays on his heart. Jesus then explains to Little James that there are many who have and will have the story of physical healing to share with the world, and it is a great story to have. But it is also a great story to share that someone (Little James) can not be given physical healing and still choose to give God praise, knowing and understanding that even if he is not healed in this earthly life, that he will live an eternal life of physical healing. This is an emotional scene for me to watch because I can so relate to Little James. I love this moment because it allows the exploration of the theme of God being able to use anyone despite their lack of ability. God has the power and authority to use you in ways that seem impossible. He is Lord!

These are three lessons that God has taught me as I walk through the struggles of dealing with my health. These are lessons that can be used in many areas of our lives, not just if you deal with a physical illness or disability. I hope that by sharing these things that God has taught you something as well. I want to encourage you to take some time to walk through the reflection questions listed below. Invite God into that space with you. Thanks for reading my friend! Until next time!

+ What is holding you back from revealing every part of your heart, your mind, your actions, to God? What is keeping you from entering into the freedom he has given to you?

+ What is something that you have been trying to hide from God or others? Is there something you have been hiding from yourself, running away from, refusing to face? Name it. Confess it. Say it out loud. Bring it to God. Bring it to a wise and godly friend. Don’t walk through it alone (Hebrews 12:1-3).

Prayer

Dear God,

Thank you for the gift of freedom that you have given us. Thank you that we don’t have to live a life in the darkness of our struggles and sin. Thank you that we can bring every part of us, the good and the bad, into your light. Thank you for your mercy and compassion. Thank you for not being ashamed of us. Thank you for waiting for us to come running back into your loving embrace. Thank you that we get to experience those things because of the gift of your son, Jesus; that through him taking on the shamefulness and humiliation that came from death on the cross gave us new life as he was raised from the dead and defeated the darkness. Lord you have all the power and authority in our lives. Help remind us of that as we continue to do the work that you have called us to here on earth; understanding that you have and will continue to provide for us, even if it’s not in the ways or areas of our lives that we thought you would provide. We love you, and we thank you for all these things, Lord.

In Jesus’s name we pray,

Amen.